the coldest hands you've ever held
by nedlovesyou
Summary: "It's like he's trying to convince himself that she's really there, and she knows that as much as he needs this moment, she needs it too." / Five times Barry hugged Caitlin, and one time they kissed. Snowbarry. One-shot.


**These two have taken over my life. Here is some fluff.**

**Not beta'd.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>i.<p>

Barry's always been an affectionate person. Part of it is just his nature, but it's also because the men in his life never put the pressure to be traditionally masculine on his shoulders. Henry was always very open about expressing love for his son, and he can't even count all of the nights that Joe held him when his nightmares came. They encouraged him, perhaps without even realizing it, to not hide or mask his emotions, but to embrace them. The good and the bad.

So when he met Caitlin, he was a bit thrown off by how guarded she was. He'd had plenty of experience with emotional women (he did manage to get through teendom with Iris) but he had never met someone with quite as many walls up as Caitlin. He wasn't sure how to approach her at first, so he just tried being himself.

It took her a while to get used to him. He remembers how taken aback she was when he first remarked on how little she smiled, but it wasn't long before she was the one trying to cheer him up.

If he had to pinpoint the moment that things first changed between them, it would be the first time he hugged her. He knew that she had been struggling with the idea of facing the particle accelerator and the sea of memories it held, but he also knew what that kind of confrontation was like. He remembers going back home for the first time to pack up his belongings; he remembers how much it helped having Joe there with him that day, to have someone he could run to if it all became too much. He tried to provide that same comfort for Caitlin.

When she started to break, he knew that he had to be there for her. She needed to know that, even though Ronnie was gone, she wasn't alone. He tried using his words to say as much.

"Ronnie was a hero," he had said.

"I didn't want him to be a hero," she was quick to reply. "I wanted him to be my husband."

He's not sure if it was the tears she was trying to hold back or the break in her voice, but all he wanted to do was hold her. So he did. He didn't know if he was crossing a line or if pulling her close would make her push her away, but he couldn't stop himself. He had to show her that he was there for her in the only way he knew how.

And when he felt her arms wrap back around him, when he noticed how tightly she held him and how there wasn't a trace of hesitation in doing so, he knew that he had all of her. This girl had shown him parts of her that she allowed very few to see; her fragile heart was in his hands and he would protect it at all costs.

ii.

It doesn't take long after that day for them to become friends. It starts with Barry inviting her and Cisco to the bar that night with Iris and Eddie, and eventually it becomes a sort of ritual amongst the three of them. They go out on good days and bad days, and over the course of a few months, they become a team inside the lab and out.

It's easy for them to confide in each other. Caitlin shares stories from her college years and talks about sometimes doubting Dr. Wells, Barry discusses the cases from his day job and his dinners with the Wests, Cisco tells them about all the new inventions he hasn't gotten around to making yet. They're careful to keep their heads in the game at S.T.A.R Labs, but eventually they find a balance between their work life and their private lives. It becomes seamless, transitioning from talk of meta-humans to pizza topping preferences.

But Caitlin's still caught off guard when Barry plops himself on top of her desk and starts going on about a conversation he'd just had with Iris. She raises a brow, but continues going about her work as she listens.

"Um, I think you're sitting on my tablet, Barry," she interrupts, poking his leg with her pen to get him to move over.

"I told Iris I loved her."

That piques her interest. She drops her pen and leans back in her chair, folding her arms across her chest. Barry's face falls into his hands with a groan.

"I told her I loved her," he repeats, rubbing his temples with closed eyes.

"Ok." Caitlin can't help but chuckle at his reaction. "So you told her you loved her. Haven't you been wanting to tell her since... ever?"

"Yeah! It felt great!" Barry exclaims, but then his face drops. "At first. Then she just kept looking at me like I had grown a second head."

"Oh no," Caitlin grimaces. "She didn't say anything?"

Barry shakes his head. "She just turned around and left."

Caitlin's not sure what to say. She's experienced plenty of rejection in her life, but she can't imagine what it must be like to pluck up the courage you've been trying to build up for years and get a reaction you hadn't been anticipating.

"I think I really screwed things up between us," Barry sighs, his voice quieter than she's ever heard before. "And I'm afraid she might have walked away from me for the last time tonight."

Caitlin can't stop herself. She rolls back her chair and pushes herself up on her feet, snaking her arms around Barry's neck and pulling him close. For a moment she fears she may have made things awkward, as her body is situated right between Barry's legs, but then he rests his head in the crook of her neck and wraps his arms around her back. He lets out another sigh and even though her heart is aching in sympathy for him, part of her wants to smile at how nice it feels to be giving Barry the same comfort that he's given her so many times before.

"It's gonna be okay, Barry," she says after a while, her voice coming out in a whisper.

He pulls back, but his hands still grip her waist. His eyes are brimming with tears, but his smile is genuine. "Thanks, Caitlin."

iii.

The next time they hug, Barry can't seem to let go.

Captain Cold had been a lot more active than usual, working on some plan to seize control of all of the CCPD's weapons, and he was making it pretty clear that he was getting tired of The Flash thwarting his efforts. Barry was quick to reassure the team that his nemesis' intimidation tactics were just that - tactics. Empty threats meant to scare him off.

So it comes as a bit of a shock to Barry when, as he's out on his next mission, Captain Cold's voice suddenly sounds through his earpiece.

"Hey Flash," Captain Cold's voice is as chilling as the ice in his gun. "You might want to leave my boys alone for a minute."

"Aw, but we were just starting to fun..." Barry replies, taking out another henchman with a swift kick to his knees.

Captain Cold laughs. "I'm having just as much fun with your friends, here."

Barry's heart drops.

"You're having fun aren't you, sweetheart?" The line goes quiet for a few long moments, until Caitlin's voice sounds through.

"Barry, we're okay." Her voice is lower than usual, and he knows he's not imagining how it shakes. She tries to hide it, not wanting him to risk the mission for them, but her voice is all it takes for him to drop everything and start running in their direction.

When he reaches S.T.A.R Labs, Caitlin and Captain Cold are nowhere to be found. Cisco's frozen to his desk by the blocks of ice over his wrist, while Harrison's wheels are frozen to the ground beneath him.

"Where is Caitlin?" Barry's more frantic than he would like to be. He rubs his hands together as fast as he can, using the heat from the friction to free Cisco and Dr. Wells.

"He took her," Harrison answers. "He wanted to make sure you stayed distracted long enough for him to finish transporting the weapons out of the city."

"You have to stop him, man," Cisco says with great difficulty.

"What about Caitlin?!" Barry's emotions are taking control.

"We'll track her down, Barry," Harrison replies. "But Cisco's right. If he manages to get a hold of those weapons, it won't matter what happens to Caitlin - we'll all be in serious danger."

Barry knows that they are right, that the citizens of Central City need to be the priority in this situation. But it doesn't make moving any easier.

"We'll find her," Cisco reassures him, turning to his computer and pulling up the S.T.A.R Labs security footage to begin tracking their path.

Harrison nods in Barry's direction, and as much as he wants to stay and find her, he takes off.

Barry fights Captain Cold's men with more power and precision than ever before, knowing that the sooner he takes them out, the sooner he can get to Caitlin.

"The weapons are secure," Barry speaks into his comm. "Do you have her location?"

"We've got her, Barry," Cisco answers, the relief he feels clear in his voice. "Captain Cold had her locked in the ele-"

"-vator." Cisco finishes, looking up as Barry enters the room. He made it back in record time.

Caitlin seems just as surprised as Cisco at Barry's speed, looking at him with wide eyes from her spot on the med table. Barry's at her side in an instant. Most of her skin is red from the ice that had been covering her body, but he can't find any other signs of harm. Without having to worry about any wounds or bruises, he doesn't hesitate to pull her to her feet and wrap his arms around her.

He's holding her so tight that she's surprised she can breathe. Her skin feels cold against his, which only makes him pull her closer.

"Get her a blanket," he orders Cisco, his hold on her never wavering.

She wants to tell him that she's okay, that she was lucky he didn't cause her any real harm, but she knows that he still wouldn't let go. It's like he's trying to convince himself that she's really there, and she knows that as much as he needs this moment, she needs it too. So she holds him just as tightly, content to let the world keep moving around them.

iv.

Things are tough for a while. It's meta-human after meta-human, each one stronger than the last and with more dangerous intentions.

When things finally start dying down, Cisco's the one to suggest they go out for some well-deserved drinks. Barry and Caitlin are quick to agree, and they head straight from to the bar after work.

"I've never seen anything so beautiful," Cisco announces when the bartender brings over their drinks. "Well, besides my suit."

"You mean my suit?" Barry quips, reaching for a drink.

"Dude, I can't believe you want to get into this with me. You get to wear it, and no doubt you have a special bond with it, but I am its creator. I spent months..." Cisco trails off, his attention caught by the girl across the table whose already downed her martini.

Caitlin quirks a brow at Barry and Cisco's surprised expressions. "It's been a while."

The three fall into a fit of laughter that they haven't been able to enjoy in the recent months. They try to cover as much as they can in the conversation that follows, having a lot to catch up on. The bartender is happy to keep sending drinks their way, and they are happy to accept them.

It's about an hour later that Caitlin, thoroughly buzzed at this point, suddenly tires of their conversation. "Come on! One of the pool tables just opened up!"

She's tugging at Barry's sleeve and pouting at Cisco, and they can't stop laughing at how childlike she's become. They're afraid of what might happen if they decline, so Barry lets her drag him to the open table as Cisco follows behind.

Caitlin and Cisco decide that, being more affected by the alcohol, it's only fair that they join forces against Barry. They try their best to challenge him, but Barry's showing them no mercy, sinking one shot after another. Cisco gives up and starts going for trick shots. Caitlin, never wanting to lose a game, challenges Barry to round two. Round two isn't much different from round one, except Cisco's laying down underneath the table trying to take a nap while Caitlin has resorted to doing everything in her power to distract Barry from the game. She's dancing around and making silly faces, and Barry's nearly crying from laughter but he still makes all his shots. Suddenly, she's running towards him and wrapping her arms around him from behind.

"What are you doing?!" Barry laughs.

"I'm not letting you make another move!" Caitlin shouts back.

Barry grabs hold of her wrist and spins around to face her. She's laughing harder than he's ever seen her laugh before, and soon enough they are both doubled over and joining Cisco on the floor.

They may or may not have gotten thrown out by security.

They're walking down the street trying to hail a cab, Caitlin's arms looped through both Barry and Cisco's. They're talking about things they won't remember in the morning, but it doesn't matter. They all need this.

It takes three blocks and a lot of frantic waving before Cisco finally manages getting them a cab.

"Why don't you guys take this one," he says after Barry and Caitlin have slid into the backseat. "I've only got another block to my apartment."

Caitlin doesn't seem to hear him, having dropped her head to Barry's shoulder. Barry laughs. "Ok, man. Be safe."

"You too," Cisco replies, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Barry shoots him a confused look. Cisco leans into the cab and adds with a whisper: "Martinis make her handsy." He nods towards Caitlin's arm, still looped underneath Barry's, and the hands clasped together on his lap that he hadn't noticed until now.

Cisco closes the door with an airy laugh, and Barry stutters out Caitlin's address to the driver.

He looks down at the girl resting on his shoulder, a thousand thoughts running through his head. Was Cisco trying to set them up? Why would he think that that was even a possibility? He doesn't even like Caitlin like that... does he?

_Crap_, he thinks as she puts her chin on his shoulder and meets his gaze with striking eyes that put a knot in his stomach. _I do._

"What did Cisco say?" she asks curiously, her brow raised in the most adorable way Barry's ever seen.

"Nothing important," he answers with an awkward laugh. He tries not to think about how close his lips are to hers.

"Ok." If Caitlin notices how uncomfortable he is, she doesn't let on. She drops her head back to his shoulder and nuzzles herself closer to his side. Barry sighs, letting his head fall back onto the seat.

Suddenly, the driver comes to a stop and Barry's head shoots up. They've already reached Caitlin's apartment.

"Caitlin," he whispers, nudging her softly. "We have to get out now."

Caitlin waves a hand dismissively, not budging. It takes a lot of gentle coddling and persuasion, but somehow he manages to get her out of the cab. Getting her up the stairs, however, is another story.

Caitlin groans at the sight of them. "Will you carry me?" she pouts, turning to Barry.

He takes a quick look around. The street is quiet, and the cab driver waiting for him at the curb isn't paying them any attention. Using his powers, he scoops Caitlin up into his arms and gets her to her front door in the blink of an eye.

"Woah."

He has to laugh at the expression on her face, eyes wide and hair disheveled. He sets her down gently, but she keeps her arms wrapped around his neck.

"I wasn't seriously asking you to carry me," she states, feeling the need to clarify.

"I know," Barry replies.

Caitlin nods her head, letting a moment of silence pass between them. "Did you have fun tonight?"

"Of course," Barry answers earnestly. "Did you?"

"Yes," she's quick to reply. She smiles then, and it looks like there's something she wants to say but she's holding it back.

Barry quirks a brow. "What is it?"

Caitlin suddenly lifts herself onto her toes, pressing her cheek to Barry's as she pulls his body against hers. His hands move from her waist to her back on their own accord, and it all feels so natural to him that he lets out a breath he hadn't realize he'd been holding.

"I always have fun with you, Barry." Caitlin's voice is a whisper in his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

She doesn't hold onto him as long as she wants to, partly because her head is swimming from all the martinis and partly because she's afraid if she doesn't let go now she never will.

Before she can stop herself, she presses a kiss to his cheek. When she pulls away, he's looking at her in a way he's never looked at her before. His hands are dancing across the small of her back, sending butterflies to the pit of her stomach. There is a moment she thinks he may kiss her, and that sobers her up pretty quickly. She pulls her keys out of her purse and makes quick work of the lock, slipping out of his grasp and into her apartment.

"Goodnight, Barry." She sends a smile his way, but it's forced and he knows it. Suddenly he's face to face with her door, left with only the silence of the empty hall and a heart that's about to pound right out of his chest.

"Goodnight, Caitlin."

v.

To Barry's surprise, not much changes between them. He would think, after his experience pining for Iris, that realizing his feelings for Caitlin would make him act weird around her. But with Caitlin, it's easy to keep being himself. Part of him starts to think she may have feelings for him too.

Then they find out Ronnie is still alive.

He just shows up at S.T.A.R Labs one day, strolling into their offices as if it were a year ago and he was just coming into work.

"Um, hello." Barry is the first to greet him, unsure of who he is. Cisco and Caitlin turn to see who he's talking to, and they both freeze at the sight of him.

"Ronnie?" Cisco manages to pick up his jaw long enough to say.

"Woah, Ronnie? As in-" Barry starts.

"It's me," Ronnie interrupts, his eyes never leaving Caitlin's. "It's me, Cait."

Slowly, wordlessly, Caitlin pulls herself to her feet. Her whole body is shaking as she walks towards him. She doesn't stop when she reaches him, instead circling around him as if she's searching for a zipper on his skin to prove he's not real.

She stops beside him, tears falling freely from her eyes. He pulls her close to him then, and her arms hang in the air for a while before she gently places them on his back. Her eyes connect with Barry's then, and he's not sure how to read her expression. She's definitely surprised, he knows that. Confused. But there's no trace of happiness or relief on her face as he had expected their to be.

Ronnie, sensing that something is off, pulls back. "What's wrong? I thought you would be happy to see me."

"I am." It's the first thing she's said since his arrival, and her voice is hollow. "I'm just confused. How..."

Ronnie explains what happened to him after the particle accelerator exploded. Barry tries his best to catch all the details, but they don't seem important to him right now. All that matters is that the love of Caitlin's life is back, and any chance he ever had with her went out the door that Ronnie stepped through.

His apartment is quieter than usual that night. He thinks about calling Iris, but he's not sure how to talk about this with her. He almost texts Cisco to see if he wants to grab a drink, but knows that he's probably dealing with Ronnie's return in his own way and wouldn't want to be bothered.

He has to laugh about it, really. The only person he wants to talk to is the only one he can't.

He wonders what she's doing. He wonders if she's still at the lab, studying Ronnie's powers, or if she's laying next to him in the bed they used to share.

But then his thoughts are interrupted by a knock on his door.

He hadn't even noticed that it started raining until he sees a soaked Caitlin at his doorstep. She leaves a puddle in the hall behind her when he pulls her inside, sitting her down on the edge of his bed as he rushes to find her a towel.

They don't say a word. Not as he's wrapping the towel around her shoulders, not as he's rubbing his hands up and down her arms to warm her up. She goes through the motions, her mind faraway. It isn't until he's kneeling before her and tilting her chin with his fingertips that she really looks at him.

"I should be happy," she whispers. What he thought was rain turns out to be tears. "Why aren't I happy?"

Barry's heart breaks for her. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know the answer to her question.

Before he has time to think about it, he's settled in next to her and is pulling her into his chest. She's shaking against him, sobs she had been trying so hard to suppress wracking her body freely. He just holds her tighter, pressing a kiss to her forehead as she cries.

She cries for a long time. They're laying in silence, his arms still holding her close, and he wonders if she's fallen asleep.

"I don't know why I came here," Caitlin whispers, her back against Barry's chest.

"I'm glad you did," Barry admits.

Caitlin turns to face him at that. Her eyes are asking him why.

He smiles, a sad smile. "I thought that, with Ronnie back..." he pauses, trying to think of how to phrase what he wants to say. "I was worried you'd pull away from me."

Caitlin seems puzzled at first, and Barry sees the moment when it all clicks in her mind.

Barry loves her.

Her hand reaches up to his cheek, her thumb stroking small, gentle circles across his skin. He closes his eyes at her touch.

"Never."

They wake up the next morning in each other's arms. It should be awkward. She should be wanting to sneak out of his grasp and slip through the front door; he should be pretending to be asleep, waiting for her to leave. But when they wake up, they stay there for a long time, eyes glued to each other's, talking easily about things that don't really matter.

Eventually they realize that Cisco and Dr. Wells will be wondering where they are, so they pull themselves out of bed. Barry starts up the coffeemaker and offers Caitlin his shower, which she gratefully accepts. Barry smiles to himself as he's flipping their pancakes and he hears her stepping out of the tub because of how domestic it all feels - how he can imagine a thousand mornings like this in the future. With her.

"Barry."

He turns at the sound of her voice, and she's standing by his refrigerator with her hair wet from the shower and her dress from last night clinging to her skin. She doesn't wait there long before she's closing the distance between them and pressing her lips to his.

The spatula he had been using falls to the floor with a loud clang that they both ignore, and he's quick to wrap his arms around her as she loses her hands in his hair.

And neither one of them knows where they're going from here, but they know it's a good place to start.


End file.
